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July 12, 2005
Paying the Debts of Despair
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Late-night sobfest
I’m going to spew more drivel again. This is coming after my subconscious but regular exercise to divert people away from this shit site (Why do you still bloody care to visit anyway? Go read Mr. Brown, xiaxue, Miyagi, et al who are renowned bloggers and can tickle your senses. Why torture yourself?). Seriously, I feel like I am doing all of the visitors here a favour.
Actually there is nothing new or revelatory about what the drivel I am going to spew. “Too Clever” by Cheer Chen was my song of choice last night. Thanks to the nice compilation of her favourite songs A L sent me, I had that song on (manual) auto-repeat because the song gives me the impression of joy when almost everything about it is sad. Perhaps I do not really understand the lyrics at all.
This morning, I woke up feeling as though a hole was bored through my body, or more specifically, the area where my heart is. Since every other morning I wake up to despair, I have quite forgotten what it is like to see the first rays of the sun with peace in my heart, let alone joy. Except for self-created and temporal bits and pieces of joy, there is nothing quite like that in my life right now. Not that anyone will need to know this piece of useless information, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I asked for peace this morning, but all I have now is despair.
Someone gave me a pep talk late last night. It is not too difficult for someone who does not really know me to turn me inside out and press the right buttons with regards to reading me like a book. His words were sensible ones. Yet, they were not something I had never thought of. If he was spot on with regards to how I had developed into more of a loner because I had developed this need to think to myself more than ever before, he should have thought about how the advice he meted out could well have crossed my mind at one point of time or another. He said I needed courage. Hell, of course I know that I need courage. Identifying the problem is one thing, executing the solution is another issue altogether.
I have nothing against this someone, but I feel that, like many, many, many others before him, one day patience will get the better of him and he will creep out of my life, via the back door, in frustration one day. I, too, have always wanted to creep out of my life via the back door and give up on myself, but this is impossible, except for, perhaps, the final solution.
Perhaps it was the prying nature of our late-night conversation, where he picked up on stuff which triggered many unresolved things within me. Coupled this with the strangely melancholic Cheer Chen song, this soon-to-be 30-year-old bloke, who could have had a much better life in another universe, went to bed in tears. A cowardly and immature act unbefitting of a thirty-year-old man. Go me.
So, with this, I must have subconsciously erected another wall around me. With this, I know that I am driven away again into isolation, where boundaries have to be redrawn again at how much I allow people to come into my self-imposed confinement from the outside world. The amount of skepticism and cynicism in me has doubled and all around me, the grayness of it all has taken on a darker hue.
***
Apologies
On another note, I wish to apologise to someone (i.e., if this someone actually still visits this place) for linking to your site from my site. I noticed that you have taken down that post which I have linked here. I can only guess what your intention is, but since you have done something about it, I should act on my part as well.
From hereon, I resolve never to plonk links to your site on my site. I respect your privacy or whatever reasons that you may have and once again, I apologise for doing the linking bit without informing you prior.
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Killing Myself Softly
The printed label on the can reads “Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains saccharin which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals”.
Since (a) my life is no different from a laboratory animal and (b) I find it as worthless anyway, I bought and finished a carton (containing a dozen cans) last week. The plan for this week, and for the many weeks to come, is to finish another dozen of this cancerous drink.
So my message to all those dormant cancer cells in my body is clear: grow and take me away from this earth, this place and this worthless existence sooner rather than later.
***
And if I am diagnosed with a terminal illness…
(a) I will refuse all forms of treatment
(b) I will quietly withdraw to a place where no one knows me and spend the rest of my days seeking spiritual solace while facing the promise of physical and emotional pain.
(c) All parts of my body which are not tainted by cancerous cells can be used for any scientific or medical research purposes. I would not give a damn if someone decides to chop up my body, mince it, mix it with swill and feed them to hogs.
***
Useless Prose
They wanted help
And I gave them mine.
When I needed help,
They say they don't have time.
Posted by D W at July 12, 2005 11:08 AM