Reason To Write

***

Dear Self

I do not think I need to ask you how you have been feeling since morning. I know you want to bring out that precious letter and place it gently on the desk of the personnel manager. It will signal your intention as well as formally cut the ties you have with this place which you have been in for the past five years of your life. Never in your wildest dreams will you believe that the days leading to your exit will be filled with so much desperation and despair. It was not what you think will be in the script when you first entered the doors to this organisation as a fresh graduate. Look how it has turned out.

It is way too complicated and late for an inquest now. The damage has already been done inside of you. There are too many “on hindsight I should” phrases floating in your mind now and you know that talking about them serves to do no purpose other than to compound the emotional pressure building inside of you. You note the alarming rate your body is degenerating as a result of pent-up stress, depression and emotional upheaval arising from the five-year almost torturous tenure there. Under ideal circumstances, you know that the obvious option will be to simply bolt before things get out of hand and that you have paid a very hefty price for attaining more wealth at the expense of your physical, emotional and/or mental well-being.

I do not need to remind you of the physical ailments that have manifested. I do not need to take another glance at the state of your emotions. I do not need to be reminded of how you have decided to stop going to the doctor’s and that you will no longer want to take prozac, because life is a bitch, with or without it anyway.

On the other hand, people who do care about your situation have been advising you against bolting to your freedom without securing, at least in documental forms, your next employment. They are being realistic about it and perhaps they love you as a friend enough to advise against exercising that obvious option. Of course they do not know of the ailments, for to list them down will open yourself up to risks of being stigmatized. At the end of it, this stands as a double-edged sword because you have no idea what their reaction will be like when you share honestly with them about how you have been seeing a shrink regularly for the past year. Honesty, even with all the good intentions, may not be the best policy. Look at how the many dishonest people managed to pull the wool over the eyes of those who brought them to where they are and got away with it. They are laughing now, you aren't.

You are at a quandary now. You and I know it. You know how things have, are and will affect you if you stay here for another day longer. At the same time, the job which you have chosen to take a plunge in will pay you less than what a foreign worker will earn. Sometimes, I know that you are struggling to make sense of everything. I know too that sometimes these things get to you and the thought of just ending it all has crossed your mind way too many times. The only thing that holds you back is when you are reminded of how little your family, including your mother, knows about what is going on in your life and that you cannot simply present yourself as a corpse on them suddenly one day. You always try to remind yourself about the issue of what will become of them if you were to leave one day.

I know you also have been thinking about how you are not suited to survive in this world and that your heart is too soft sometimes. Like that time when some of your friends are in dire financial need and you do not think thrice about helping them out. This is when you try very hard not to get yourself in a tight financial situation. The big problem you have is how sometimes the same set of friends seem to have disappeared when you simply need help emotionally. I know you are aware that not everyone is like that and to those who might have disappeared, you bear no grudge against anyone. You try very hard to be a loyal friend. I believe the big problem you have is that you are inept when dealing with your expectations of others. Perhaps there is a moral flaw in you to expect people to live up to the same expectations you have placed upon yourself. You console yourself by rationalizing how they have their own busy lives to manage, and at the end of the day, whatever tough situation you are in is ordained by Someone Up There bent on teaching you the hard lessons of life. You can say “Life is a bitch” as many times as you like, and predictability, only yourself will hear it.

Give your friends the benefit of the doubt. I believe they love you and are concerned for you. I hate to say this but your unique character makes it very difficult for others to handle or manage you. I am sorry to say that you cannot change others and the only person you can change is yourself. I know it is a used-to-death cliché but it is true. So, it is not too surprising to see how some of them have indeed started to withdraw away from you and this is how you have found yourself to be alone when you need someone. Face it, you are a tough nut to crack and no one with half a mind will want to chug along listening to your many grievances, real or imaginary, when they have their own problems in life to deal with.

All I can say to you is this. At the end of the day, you have a choice, like many others have choices too. You have your own character flaws and others have too. Some flaws are easier to eradicate than others, while there may be some which are simply not worth the effort trying to remove. I do not need to suggest to you which category of flaws I think your persona falls under. Having said that, I think you need to examine yourself again and think about your perspective to everything in your life. As much as you only have a life, you have too many flaws in you as well. So, I say choose wisely.

I know you hate the weekend because a big part of your Saturday will be burnt as a result of some illogical decision made higher up the food chain. Tough luck. Either you try cheering yourself up or you will spend your weekend in misery.

Whichever way, it is your life although it is mine as well. The difference is I don’t care anymore about this life. It is yours and you can have all of it, warts, blood and all.

With “love”

Self

PS: When the push comes to shove, do not expect a nice and soft landing pad. Be prepared to feel the rough texture of the asphalt.