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July 14, 2005

First Day of the Rest of My Life

Dedicated to those who loved and cared for me throughout my life.

The storm had blown over and many had a laugh about it. Then, life goes on.

***

Prostituting for fame has never been my cup of tea. I write for people who care enough for my thoughts and words. I do not write in hope that one day I will get a product endorsement coming my way or get my name mixed up by a language paper with another person’s. And no, I do not spit poison when someone has taken over me under the spotlight (or glare) of the media (not that I have ever been in this situation).

In this regard, I do not see the need to go in line, wait for hours just to peddle for more hits or do a sales pitch for my works at some local convention. If people stumble on this site and decide to stay, I am more than happy. If people decide otherwise, there is nothing much I can do. I have had my share of blogmeets and meetups in the past. I have made friends and lost contact with some of them through these events. They came, they commented, they stayed, we met and they move on. Meanwhile, life goes on.

As long as I have my little space, I am contented and happy. My aim is not to gather mainstream recognition or have to earn my way into very exclusive cliques birthed out of virtual existences. Despite all of my shortcomings, I will want to earn my own respect first before moving on to other things.

And I respect my works here, no matter how imperfect or crappy they are. They are part of me and I am but a part of them.

***

Like every other morning, I laid on my bed. As soon as my mind regained consciousness, it started to go into gear and thoughts started to flutter in. Obviously, the down feeling which pervaded me for the past few months became the topic of thought and I looked at it from every angle imaginable. In the midst of thinking about this, something crept into my thought process and it led me to uncover the crucial bits of my life which led to the whole host of problems I was facing currently. Almost everything could be distilled down to the problem of self-esteem, and from self-esteem, I was reminded of how my upbringing and my childhood had an immense effect on me. Scenes from the past were revisited once again in my head. Fuzzy images of how my relationships with parental units were panned out and then, I realized…

I realized I had a choice. For the first time in my life, I thought well of myself. I told myself that I was not altogether hopeless, bad and useless. There were things I had done and accomplished which I should feel proud of. Never mind how things went in the past. Never mind how you were brought up by parents who disregarded every one of my little accomplishments in the past. Never mind how I had to seek and am still seeking affirmation from others outside of my family throughout my life. If there was something I owed to myself, it was to tell myself that I might not be perfect or a high-flyer, but I had done enough to have made it thus far.

It may sound a little schizophrenic to be praising myself silently while lying on the bed this morning, but my heart felt lighter and the world around me suddenly got a little brighter…

***

A very long time ago, I was asked to write about what the first day of the rest of my life would mean to me. I had never come close to writing something like that because for the life of me, I had no idea what it really meant.

Today, the very belated entry was penned.

I want this to be my very first day of the rest of my life.

***

Dear areya

Not sure if you are still reading my journal.

I wrote this entry, first and foremost, for myself and then for you because you once asked me to write about the first day of the rest of my life many years ago.

Thanks.

Sincerely

D W

***

Linkworthy

Rebuilding Lives In the Shade of a Tree

Posted by D W at July 14, 2005 02:00 PM

Comments

Posted by: a l at July 14, 2005 02:59 PM

Posted by: Laughingcow at July 14, 2005 04:51 PM

Posted by: fhope at July 16, 2005 01:35 AM

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