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June 29, 2005
When Freedom Becomes a Forbidden Fruit...
So every morning, I would walk into my cell dreading the day when I would be asked to move to another cell. So every hour, I would check for any emails in my inbox, hoping for a message, any message, which will indicate that I had been selected for a job interview, which would be the very first step and a fleeting hope of moving to a better place. Every fifteen minutes or so, I would be checking my mobile phone forlornly for missed calls which could have come from the office of my prospective employer, who would unknowingly bail me out of my dire situation.
Every end of the day, I would trudge home in disappointment and to a certain extent, hope. Disappointment because there were no notable emails that would provide me with any opportunity of an escape route, despite checking it many times during the day. Hope because I had to console myself that there would still be another day of waiting, praying and hoping. Every hour, I would try to suppress another fresh wave of dread flowing all over my body as I deleted another spam mail in my inbox. Every fifteen minutes or so, I would close my eyes while nursing in my heart a strange but familiar pang of disappointment after observing the mobile phone.
Every night, I would go to sleep, half hoping that a miracle would present itself in the morning. It would matter very little to me if it came wrapped nicely with coloured paper, or was enclosed in a non-descript and plain brown box. The thing is it never came and like Charlie Brown in some of the comics, I would lean against my imaginary postbox trying to deal with a mix of overwhelming despair and dread.
Surely, if I were to compare myself with those who are not as fortunate (notwithstanding whether this is really an apple-to-apple comparison in the first place), there would be little I had the right to moan, whine and grumble over. On the other hand, it would make the future less rosy than it really should. Yet, whatever it is, I know that it is only a matter of time before I buckle under the effect of all these negative emotions swirling within me, day in and day out. There is only so much I can take before everything starts to crumble within me. How long more can I persevere?
And when the inevitable happens, surely Someone or Anyone will care? Surely there will be something there for me to cling on to and not waste away something precious which I am slowly losing a grasp of with every passing second?
There is only one day left before they would come to my cell and evict me over to another dungeon, one where torture, be it emotional or mental, would be guaranteed. There remains only one day for a miracle or something divine to be conjured. I am losing so much of hope right now that I am trying hard to learn not to expect anything anymore from anyone.
Posted by D W at June 29, 2005 03:12 PM