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June 29, 2005
When Death Becomes a Solution...
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Another hard wall has been erected around my heart. This came after the painful realization of life, specifically where my life was heading and where it had gone for the past three years. Not only I have nothing to show for except for more scars, wounds, bruises and tons of scabs, but now a distrust for human beings and the thought about how evil the world is have developed.
I don’t think I can trust anyone anymore, with my words, my thoughts, my emotions and everything else I choose to pour from my heart. The last bits and pieces of my naivety have been swept away and now, I feel the full force of a life without support, love, trust and affirmation. Sometimes I am amazed at how far I have gone, in terms of going through one rough storm after another on my own. Sometimes, I wonder if all these were sent to toss me off the life-saving piece of plank which I am clinging on to. Or that it is one whole big joke. Feeling lonely is one thing, but feeling so estranged from everything and everyone else, while having to put up with silence is another. It gnaws at me. It threatens to tear me apart. I feel like a trapped animal which has just been gagged, so that I can not even scream outwardly in pain.
Once upon a time, when I still thought the world was my oyster, I went on a long journey by air to a land I had never set my foot on. Before my sojourn, friends sent me off and gave me their handwritten letters or cards, which, on arrival, I stuck them on the wall of my room to remind me of their support and love. The two years of my life in this unknown land which I had grown to love was not without the usual ups and downs. It was there where I had my first depressive spell. It was there where someone decided to end a one-week-old relationship simply because to her, it just was not God’s will for us to be together and she chose the cold-hard communication medium called the long-distance line to convey her intention. It was there where I locked myself up for three days without food because I had to deal with a massive disappointment in my life. Yet, at times when I looked up, I could see those letters and cards and they gave me some bits of strength to carry on with life.
Six years on, I was became less of a person than who I was then. I became effectively a shell of my former self. Soon, the cares of the adult life found their way into my system. Soon, things began to unravel and unresolved issues, which were impossible to address, started gnawing in me. Everything started to scream from within, demanding that I gave them their due attention and they became louder and louder till I became numb to everything my heart threw at me. This culminated in the breakdown of my once-stout mental defense and I caved in. This translated into moments when life was no longer deemed as precious and the ending of it would finally stop all those screaming from within. I crossed the threshold and effectively eradicating many of the possible escape routes that I would be able to take instead. Now, I feel like I am just a few steps away from another mental breakdown. The only difference is that now the wall in my room was bare and bereft of anything.
When I say that I do not know who I am anymore, I really mean it. Right now, the screams have gotten louder and louder. I find myself in the midst of yet another storm in my life and I am waddling in muck and mud. My strength is starting to dwindle. My resolve is starting to run low.
Because familial relations and bonds remain fragile and very superficial, I will still have to put up a strong front. I have to maintain this structure no matter how everything within is crumbling. There is no longer any more room for hopes. There is no longer any space for fleeting desires. Wishes are things that will never come true now and miracles are slowly seen as things which only happen in fairy tales or other people’s lives.
And I no longer want to wake up to another tomorrow.
Posted by D W at June 29, 2005 05:57 PM
Comments
I don't know what to say, except that I know things will get better. It may not be tomorrow, or the next day, but I know they will get better.
Always praying for you.
Posted by: Laughingcow at June 29, 2005 09:18 PM
gosh this is by far the most depressing stuff i had ever casually surfed onto.
I have only these few words to state: non-self, dependent origination, impermanence.
Stop dwelling in these puddles of mud.
Posted by: larry at June 30, 2005 11:00 AM