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June 01, 2005
No Hero In My Sky
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Her response was as cold as my email. However, I was not surprised by it. Something has died and it came swiftly when I believed she deserved better. There is only one way I am going to carry my burden and that is to soldier on alone. No one should bear it on my behalf and for all the mistakes I made throughout my life.
Yes, I might have saved her little short message to me in my phone since the day she sent it to me. It meant so much in my heart that there would be no way I would thrash it. Yes, the shrink did tell me about how if there was one who was willing to accept who I was, with warts and all, I should not let go.
However, I asked myself if this was fair to the other person. I knew that the answer readily because love is never fair to begin with. Yet, somewhere inside, I resolved never to be the person to load my problems, sadness, regrets, disappointments and other things onto another person whom I love.
As much as I do not want this, I know that this little turnaround will direct me towards a life of loneliness and solitude. As much as I hate it, I can envision how I would be staring at the blank air and stashed away from society at some asylum during the twilight days of my life.
Love will be the next best thing to come into my life, but really, if it only brings pain to another person who clearly does not deserve it, then perhaps, I should do without it.
I know my life is screwed and I do not need to screw up another person’s life just to bring closure to everything and anything else.
***
In other news, life is no longer good and I am still knackered.
***
Now, I look on with envy at others, who were blissfully married, who already have kids of their own or who are going to marry. A voice inside me reminded me how normal they were and how abnormal I am. Another voice butted in with a comment at how things have moved so fast that I am now left behind. Then another plunged the dagger deeper by throwing out one image after another in my mind, which seemed to show how fast and dramatic my fall from grace was.
Seriously, short of a miracle, I don’t think there’s a way back anymore.
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Posted by D W at June 1, 2005 02:52 PM
Comments
you sound like you could use a hug. :)
Posted by: pei fen at June 3, 2005 03:23 PM