Reason To Write

***

[Untitled]

She did not know how to carry on, but somehow she knew she had to, for her sake and for their sake. If the saying “blood is thicker than water” was not enough, then the effort she went through would adequately convince her that she could not let go or give up.

Slowly, she made her way up to her apartment. Despite it being cramped and cluttered with way too many things, it was still home for her and them. No matter what happened and what would happen, she had to keep things running so that she could offer a layer of protection for them.

***

It had not been the easiest of times, since the day he started working there and got to know the lot of them. Before that, even though they had to tighten their belts just to make ends meet, at least they were happy. Whenever she cast her gaze at their wedding photo, images of how he was before the dramatic change in events came flooding in her mind. He seemed a different person then, as compared to now.

The neighbours knew about it and sometimes, she would catch them whispering amongst themselves through the metal grilles of their flats during their discussions and pointing in the general direction of her flat. Their eyes would roll from one side in another as they exchanged views of what they heard the previous night. The shouts, the screams, the accusing cry, the wailing and the despair in her voice were loud enough to filter through the thin concrete walls which separated one flat from another. Sometimes, they could hear those blows even.

As though these were not humiliating enough, the occasional visits by those thugs would mean that she had to carry those large and heavy tins of paint, which she purchased at the hardware shop around the corner. She had lost count of the number of times she had to look down in shame while explaining to Uncle Hock that she needed to buy that particular shade of paint to match the uniform colour paint of the common corridor. Then, she would place used newspapers on the grey concrete floor and started to hide those large accusing characters which aimed to cause enough humiliation to the occupants of the flat, her flat, so that the debtor was motivated enough to settle his debts quickly.

Most of all, she had to do this before her children, inquisitive as they were at that age, return from school.

Sometimes, while concealing this piece of dirty “linen” being washed in public, a not-too-kind neighbour, Ah Kin, a sharp-tongued and rather tactless woman, would pass disparaging comments about the state of her family and how pathetic she was as a woman.

“Some people are just born losers,” Ah Kin would sometimes remark loudly to her companion within her earshot while she painted. “Look at them. Serve them right for marrying the wrong husband and not thinking about their futures.”

She would take this all in. Perhaps the optimist in her was hoping for the day when he would stop his gambling and drinking habits and revert back to the caring and loving husband whom she said “I do” to. Perhaps one day, the children whom she was almost single-handedly bringing up, would convince him to change his ways and become a better man…

***

The mess in the living room convinced her that he had been back. The clothes which spilled from their master bedroom to the living room floor were indications of how he had gone on a determined hunt for money. Quietly, she closed the door and went straight to the kitchen where she would put away those grocery purchases for the day before bending down to clear up the mess.

Sometimes, she would wonder where all those strength came from. Despite working throughout the night as a production line worker (since the pay was better), she still had the energy to commute almost from one end of the island to the other, back to her neighbourhood, before going straight to the wet-market. This meant that her two kids, Ivan and Marilene, had to warm up their breakfast, pack their bags and make their way to school on their own. This also meant that there was little chance of her being put in a spot when the two young ones were to ask where their daddy was.

Two hours later, the clothes were put back neatly where they belonged and she started to prepare the meals for the kids for the rest of the day. Most of the time, she would cook enough for the kids’ lunch, dinner and breakfast with some remnants left for him, if he were to come back later in the evening. She had to do without chicken or pork most of the time for her family and the children grew up practically on cheap fish and lots of vegetables. It brought her some comfort that the kids were not too fussy about their food and at least the fare she whipped out were mostly healthy dishes.

After cooking, she would take a quick shower before lying down on the bed to get some shut eye before the kids came back. She could now survive on very little sleep during the week, and only during weekends when she sent the little ones to the gramps’ would she be able to catch up on sleep.

The rest of the afternoon was spent supervising the little ones while they did their homework and doing the laundry. It was only in the evening when she really got a little worried…

***

The whiff of alcohol usually spelt the first signs of trouble. Except on the rare occasions when he made a windfall, he was practically in a bad mood and was drunk by the time he stumbled back into the flat. Having been unceremoniously dumped by his previous company four years ago, he turned into a gambler who would spend his days at illegal gambling dens, queuing up at Toto stands or doing his rounds at the race courses. Perhaps the burden of having to provide for a family of four took a toll on his sanity and he foolishly believed that taking a risk at getting quick money was a surefire way of making ends meet.

It would be considered a good day for her if he were to come home and slumped on the sofa without making any noise. On bad days, she would have to quickly send the kids to their room before bracing herself for a long evening…

***

“Ma! I smell Tiger beer!” little Marilene came running to her while she was hand-washing the clothes in the bathroom.

Instinctively, she told the little girl to go back to their room and close the door. The girl nodded and ran off.

Wringing her hands dry of the water, she stood up in the bathroom and waited for the lock on the door to go “click”. This would signal his arrival and the strong smell of beer did not bring good omens of how the evening would turn out.

The door opened and the smell of alcohol lingered into the flat. She could hear his grunt as he slumped onto the sofa and moved only when she heard the coughs which were the first hints of him wanting to throw up. Immediately, she picked up the face towel and made her way to the living room.

He lied on the sofa in a disheveled state. He looked as though he had not shaved for a week. His shirt was crumpled and it gave off a strong scent of burnt tobacco. His hair was in a messy and evidently he was tired, as he was still wearing his sandals.

While blabbering some nonsense, he reached for the remote control and started turning on the television.

“Ah Choo…” he started crying out after a few moments. “Where’s the food? Did you cook? I’m hungry!”

***

Their relationship was a bit of a tumultuous affair. Her parents objected to it because her father had some reservations about the qualities of this young man.

“He only has a Diploma. How do you expect him to provide for you?” he would question her from time to time. “And why are you giving up on your A Levels to marry him?”

She could remember the disappointment in her old man’s eyes. From a top student throughout her secondary school days to a junior college student on the verge of dropping out altogether, her transformation was stark enough for him to give up on her. She did not know too much about the future then, simply because being with him, the confident and suave him, meant the world and her future.

For him, he was happy when he got conscripted after getting his polytechnic diploma. This allowed him the opportunity to live outside of his dysfunctional family: a gambler of a father and a mother who spent her days milling about the beer crowd at the food centre. Despite the fact that he was the only child, the dire state of the family’s finances had denied him the opportunity of furthering his studies. However, the young and impressionable man wanted to prove to his family and others around him that he could make it on his own one day. It was this quality, alongside his brilliant ability to show her love, that won her heart.

Their marriage when both of them were barely in their late teens, were brought about after she found herself pregnant. The discussions between the two sets of families were tense affairs and the wedding itself brought a huge financial strain on her family, with his side of the family almost making a fool of themselves during the customary dinner.

However, she felt that everything was worth it the moment he lifted her veil. There, the clean-shaven and tuxedo-clad him opened his mouth to say “I do” and there was the moment when her heart melted…

***

Quietly, she placed the plate of steamed fish, stir-fried vegetables and a bowl of rice on the coffee table of the living room.

“Bring me a can of beer,” he ordered.

She stood there and wondered what to say in reply.

He looked up. She was stunned for a moment when the gaze from his blood-shot eyes met hers.

“We have run out of beer in the house…”

He clenched his fists as he stood up.

“What kind of a house is this if there isn’t a can of beer?” he raised his voice.

“I… We… don’t have enough money to buy beer…” she meekly replied.

“Stupid woman. Then what is your job for? To earn money just for your father and mother?” he questioned her.

Bile started to rise in her, but tears were welling up as well.

“Stop calling me stupid woman. I am your wife!”

Without warning, he raised his fist and she felt pain on the left side of her cheek. The force from the blow made her stumble a few steps back.

“Go down now and get me a few cans of beer. I don’t care where you are going to get money for this. I am sure you have some jewelry left to pawn. Stupid woman, now go!” his voice was loud enough once again to alert the posse of neighbourhood busybodies to start unlocking their doors. At the same time, cries of her two children became audible.

She felt that she had to take a stand.

“No I won’t. You have had enough. I have had enough…”

Before she could finish her sentence, a blow landed on the right side of her face. The force once again was too much for her thin frame and it made her back hit the wall of their living room. By now, she surrendered her resolve and feared the worse…

***

It was now all over.

The gate to their home was left ajar. The living room floor was now filled with pieces of broken porcelain, spilled rice, an uneaten steamed fish and vegetables. From the corner of her eyes, she could make out a head or two peeking in from the windows. Her children were still crying in their rooms but she told herself that once again, they were safe from all the violence.

Gingerly, she touched her cheeks to assess the extent of the damage, even though she could feel the throbbing pain. There was blood on her T-shirt as her mouth bled from all the force he, as a drunk man, used. As much as she needed to be strong once more to pick herself up, she could not stop the tears from falling.

Using the armrest of the sofa as a support, she slowly got up and went into the kitchen to wash her hands so that she could salvage whatever’s left of her family’s dinner for the night. As she went to the sink where a mirror was strategically placed above it, she could make out the reflection on it. What greeted her was a ghastly and ghostly sight. Her cheeks were puffed up, her mouth was filled with blood, her eyes were almost lifeless and were accompanied by a very prominent set of eyebags. The blood on her face was mixed with the tears which continued to flow.

She had no idea how much more she had to carry on with this… for her sake and for their sake…