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April 21, 2005
The Darkness in My (Be)Fuddled Mind
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“Why so fatalistic?” she muttered while the laughter all round was slowly dying down. I could have gone further with those self-deprecating jokes but reined myself in after I heard her little comment.
I guess that was the last of such jokes for the night.
***
She pouted as she pressed the button to end the call.
“They’re not at home,” she complained. “No one’s picking up the phone!”
I stopped sipping my sugar cane juice and decided to be inquisitive.
“You’re going to his place?” I asked before I realized it was a stupid question.
“Yeah, wanna put something on the desk of his room,” she replied, obviously not thinking twice about the stupid question I asked.
“Oh… What’s the special occasion?” I shot another curious question and started wondering if it was their anniversary of some sort.
“No la,” she muttered. “We have not seen each other in about three weeks mah and since he will only be back when I am going for a business trip, this little thing is a surprise gift from me to him lor.”
“So sweet,” I commented without sarcasm.
“Yeah lor,” she remarked in her characteristic tone while my mind started to whirl.
***
Later that night, I found myself sitting in front of the computer once again, trying to wind down for the night by indulging in games. She came on and we started chatting.
Then, out of nowhere, I decided it was time to end all those speculations and dispel all of those pet theories in my head.
“Ask you something,” I typed the three words in MSN.
“Yeah?” was her response.
“How do you know when you no longer have feelings for someone?”
There was a moment’s pause. While waiting for her, my mind reminded me of the answer I had all along inside of me. It was one of those moments when I needed another perspective to confirm it.
I was a tad disappointed with her reply, which went along the lines of how your expectations of that person became lower. However, she added that usually those would ask such a question were in it themselves.
We continued a discussion on this for a few moments before she indicated her desire to turn in for the night. I would have wished for more discussion on this matter but it was one of those evenings for me.
As I turned off the monitor, the questions were once again flooding my mind, with each of them demanding that I gave a satisfactory answer before they could leave me, which of course was a blatant lie because they had never.
I went to bed last night, no longer wondering if the world would become a better place instantly the moment I open my eyes.
***
Culled from a blog I visited:
Loneliness is my curse - our species' curse - it's the gun that shoots the bullets that makes us dance on a saloon floor and humiliate ourselves in front of strangers. - Douglas Coupland, Eleanor Rigby
***
What stuck in my mind from last night was the little indulgence I had with Jeff Chang’s soppy old love songs.
Ever since she decided to retreat into her own shell and as my days of despair prolonged, I found myself becoming more of a recluse than anything else. I no longer have the motivation to call people out (What are the chances of me not receiving a rejection?), and even when there were offers, they had to clash with my other commitments (not exactly social in nature).
Then again, what are the chances of me clamming up about the storms of my life and putting on the jester’s mask when I meet them? Do they realize that those demeaning jokes I crack at my own expense are actually cries for help from within which I cannot and am unable to express otherwise?
As always, I only hear their laughter. At least, a response is better than no response at all.
***
As predictable as the mood swings of any PMSy lady, the lump on the right side of my neck comes and goes. If it troubles me enough on Monday morning, I would return to the doctor once again to get some peace of mind.
The problem is I am now unsure if I will be happy on hearing the good “all-clear” news or the bad “how-much-time-do-I-have” news.
With this life, I don’t know if I should blame myself for being fatalistic anymore.
Posted by D W at April 21, 2005 10:52 AM