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April 11, 2005
Adventure Before the Revelation...
Friday evening…
Mother was out at the balcony tending to her plants, while I quickly ran to the bathroom. It was a day before the worrying revelation and I thought nothing about it while taking my shower (first for the day). Five minutes were all I took to get it over and done with and an additional ten minutes later, I was all dressed up, smelled better than before the shower and stood by the bus stop waiting for the bus which would bring me to the crowded part of town where I would begin my search.
Earlier in the day…
I sat by the table, brushing my teeth and conducted a quick scan of the rag (Life! Section only) from which, I would get my daily dose of comics and other trashy entertainment news. Then, at the albums review section, I caught sight of something which sent my heart beating with some excitement. Although A L had posted about it on her blog, I thought Cheer Chen’s new album was only available in Taiwan. Plans were already taking shape by then on how I would attempt to grab a copy of her new album. It certainly had been a while since I last listened to her strumming on the guitar, playing the piano and serenading me with her soothing voice. Now, with the bonus VCD featuring clips of her concert and four music videos, I would now be able to see her, instead of just getting glimpses of how this talented singer-songwriter looked like through fleeting images on her album covers.
Friday night…
Slowly, I climbed up the steps at Pacific Plaza.
As I rightly predicted, the town area was abuzz with people getting to places on this Friday night. It was TGIF, if I might add, after all. Besides the well-dressed people, blokes releasing their ties and ladies putting back some of their make-up on, after a long day (or week) at work, there were students in their uniforms walking from one shopping centre to another. Meanwhile at the formerly Tang Dynasty hotel, the al fresco café on the ground floor was filled to the brim already with the expatriate crowd. I even caught sight of Singapore’s most (in)famous stripper.
Music was already blaring on the loudspeakers at the (or That) CD shop. I went up to the second level and was a little surprised by how quiet that place was. Possibly the crowd was not there yet and the salespeople were milling about.
I made a beeline for the Chinese pop music section and began my search for Cheer’s elusive new CD. The usual suspects were there though. Jacky Cheung’s Concert CD album, Alan Tam’s new CD and even Hacken Lee’s new studio album adorned the shelves alongside other singers like Wong Lee Hon and Jay Chou (both of whom I did not really like, for some reasons). Eight minutes later, I gave up and went straight to the cashier’s, which was manned by a young lady dressed in a white blouse with her hair tied up in a ponytail.
“Hi. Just want to check if you have Cheer Chen’s latest album…”
“Cheer who?”
I was a little flabbergasted. Then again, Cheer Chen is not exactly as straight-forward, teeny-bopperish as the much more popular Jay Chou, isn’t it?
“Cheer Chen,” I replied and the blank look on her face prompted me to execute plan B.
Having read the review article earlier in the day, I took out the relevant pages of the rag and carried it with me to town. This might sound “obiang” but I was not very confident of the sales people at local music stores knowing who Cheer Chen was, despite the fact that the review article was published in the national rag (circulation figures were in the region of less than a million, or so the rag claimed).
So, I presented the article and plonked it on the counter. Instinctively, the young lady said nothing and began to type “Cheer Chen” in whatever search engine they had in the shop. A few seconds later, she shook her head and I was off to my next destination…
Half-hour later…
Some might encounter problems trying to pronounce the building’s name. To me, it was known as the Marche place, where I went for my first blogmeet (which happened more than 3 years ago, I would reckon). Not wanting to waste more time, I went up to the third level of the big music store there and immediately started to examine the shelves.
Jay Chou was there alright. So were FIR, Eason Chan, Jacky Cheung and other more celebrated celebrities. I was about to give up my search while walking to the last shelf when the unmistakable white-colour CD came into sight. If I were a few years younger, I would have performed a little celebration dance and hop over to the rack. Coming to the end of my swinging twenties, I knew better than to behave like a bloody teenager.
Chose the more presentable CD from the lot there, I headed straight for the cashier. The bloke there completed the transaction with seconds and my little adventure in town came to an end.
Later that evening…
I slouched on my two-year-old IKEA chair and plonked the CD into the drive. For the next forty minutes, I took in every image and every impression from what came on the monitor screen. It was hard to believe that Cheer would hit 30 this year (albeit slightly earlier than me). It was hard to believe that despite being of the same age, she had accomplished far beyond what I had. Even if she was not as well-received than people like Jay Chou or 5566 or what-have-yous, she had a following (who possibly had different tastes) and immediately I felt inferior already…
***
The next morning…
I slumped on the IKEA chair once again. The whirl of the aircon and the occasional motorcyclist whose bike was modded to enhance the irritating engine sound punctuated the silence of my room. I was furrowing my brows over a game on the computer when I decided to stretch. Then, my right hand landed on the right side of my neck and I was stunned for a second.
A few attempts at feeling that spot later, I knew this had to be the potential revelation of my life…
Afterthoughts…
The weekend was spent thinking about life after death and death of a life. At times, I thought God heard enough of my cries and He was indeed giving me the gift of death. At times, I wondered about the many things I had yet to experience in this life and regrets about not ever been kissed, or had sex with the one I love, or toured around Europe, or walked down the streets of New York, or climbed the steps up the Great Wall, or saying my last words to those whom I loved but not met for the longest time came over me. I would never know how my kid would look like and how I would fare as a lover or husband. I would never have the chance of being a missionary in Tibet or Nepal. I would not be there to cheer the ex-sarong kebaya girl on as she walked down the aisle on her wedding day. Then, I thought about the things I missed the least about my life and how I had to endure all of them if I were to live on…
Maybe death is not a bad thing after all.
It ends some things but it ends all things.
***
Since that Saturday morning, I would feel the right side of my neck from time to time, hoping that some miracle would make it disappear. At the same time, thoughts would swirl around in my head. On one hand, I would picture in my mind the grim facial expression of the doctor when breaking the depressing news. On the other, I could see the mild joy on my face when being told of how it was nothing more than just a mild infection and that it was nothing serious and this would mean that I could still live on. On one hand, I pictured myself lying on the hospital bed and thought about how cool it would be if I had my head shaved bald. On the other, I heard about how traumatic and painful chemotherapy was and became worried if I had to go down this road.
Sunday evening might have been the most depressing night of the entire week. There was hardly anyone online whom I could chat with and there was hardly anyone whom I thought I could call. Once again, I had only myself in the silence of my room, to mull over things or to think once again the possible repercussions. I messaged two people on MSN asking rather innocently if they could give me a hug. I might have sounded very desperate but I knew that whatever the outcome when I consulted the doctor later today (Monday), I would have to face it on my own, like all other times of my life.
***
Emily Bronte - "Me thinks this heart..."
Me thinks this heart should rest awhile
So stilly round the evening falls
The veiled sun sheds no parting smile
Nor mirth nor music wakes my Halls
I have sat lonely all the day
Watching the drizzly mist descend
And first conceal the hills in grey
And then along the valleys wend
And I have sat and watched the trees
And the sad flowers how drear they blow
Those flowers were formed to feel the breeze
Wave their light leaves in summer's glow
Yet their lives passed in gloomy woe
And hopeless comes its dark decline
And I lament because I know
That cold departure pictures mine
Posted by D W at April 11, 2005 01:46 AM
Comments
Hi DW,
So you've finally decided to get the comment back up? Yes, chemotheraphy can be a pain, but it is not as terrible as people think it is. I guess it depends on each individual. My mom has completed her 8 rounds of chemo and thank God she was very strong throughout because of several factors: 1) support, 2) knowing what to expect, 3) optimism. It is true that without the above, it is very difficult to pull through. In any case, I'll advise you to see the doctor and I hope that you have bought yourself a good insurance plan just in case.
Posted by: La Idler at April 11, 2005 05:48 PM
Hope that everything has worked out well. Always praying for you. :)
Posted by: Laughingcow at April 11, 2005 07:23 PM
you're scaring me. are you certain? what exactly did the doctor say?
Posted by: fearhope at April 12, 2005 12:20 AM
is Cheer Chan 陳綺貞? i like her songs very much.. =)
Posted by: grass at April 12, 2005 01:14 PM