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April 29, 2005
Dialogue in a Monologue / Silent Scream (Part 2)
Wonder what will happen in the morning?
What? What can happen?
I’m being hopeful.
Hopeful?
You know… The start of a new day… a day full of adventure and possibilities… of love… of life… of smiles… all things bright and beautiful…
On the flip side?
Let’s not think about that, shall we? We can live in hope.
Or delude ourselves with hopes of another false dawn?
A dawn is a dawn. There aren’t any false ones!
There are. There are days when I receive no sunlight on my face. There are days when I wake up and the skies are all dark and gloomy. There are days when I wished I never came into this world!
How can that be? The fact that you are alive means that life can still be beautiful! You can still embark on your very own adventure!
Adventure? What adventure? I have problems and issues to resolve. There are no adventures to begin with.
You never know! Perhaps today you will meet the prettiest lass of your life who may one day become your life partner!
Cruel joke. I don’t have an iffing date to begin with. Prettiest lass? You must be out of your mind.
Or that something will happen and today it will be the first day of the rest of your life!
Like what? Another boring day where all I do is to scrape at the bottom of the barrel? Look. Nobody iffing cares anymore, ok? And I don’t give a damn anymore, understand? I hate this life and that’s it!
How can you hate something which is a gift to you? Life is a gift! To live is a gift! It’s free yet priceless.
There are gifts in life which you rather not have. If you did, then perhaps you are being too sentimental for your own good. Try to be more practical.
Looking on the other side is being practical.
Other side? There only one side for me. There’s no other side. It’s only a blasted mirage.
Mirage?
Yes, an illusion… of something better… of something which you can never imagine…
Go there!
Illusions are never real. Go figure.
Even if they are not, why don’t you indulge in them as though they can become your dreams?
I don’t want to deceive myself. I have done enough of this already. I’m tired and sickened.
Live out your dreams!
Impossible. How can I? There are things that are way past me already. I’ve wasted enough of my life…
Then why are you wasting more of it moaning like that? Why don’t you try?
Try? Try “tried”. How much have I not done? How much have I not tried? I don’t know anymore and I don’t want to know.
…
***
TGIF. The eve before the eve of a public holiday.
In another world and at another universe, I would be thinking about how much should I pack for my trip to the Maldives with a her. Visions of the golden sandy beaches, big and colourful umbrellas lining the shore, that glass of tequila, a good book, sharing an ipod, turning to my right to gaze at her face while she turns towards me with a smile would flood into my head. A silly smile would appear on my face as I think about how I would be spending the next few days with the love of my life. We had planned for this a long time ago and now, it would be the perfect getaway…
Unfortunately, that world never existed and will not be in the immediate future. I would stagger my way to the bus stop, hop on a crowded bus, hop off the bus, stagger my way back home, fix myself some chow and then try to end the night doing things that would distract my mind. If I feel like it, I will put Jeff Chang on and sing his sad songs over and over again until my eyes begin to leak a little before I get emotionally drained and start playing some games. The closest I can get to a beach will be Sentosa. Then again, while there are sandy beaches there, the waters, like my life, are always murky.
This is my story. This is my life.
Posted by D W at April 29, 2005 05:31 PM
Comments
The ending to the story hasn't been written yet -- it may well be a happy one. :)
Posted by: Laughingcow at April 30, 2005 11:16 PM
well, that makes the 2 of us. sigh. i'm still trying to crawl myself out of this shithole, so i hope u do too. :)
Posted by: teacup at May 2, 2005 09:36 PM