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March 27, 2005
Trying to Tell an Elephant that He is a Rock
I am giving myself ten minutes to write whatever I feel like typing and then I shall hit the sack.
I don't really know what kind of a day I had. Yes, there has been relative peace but somehow I suspect that as long as I am not in the cell, I am relatively sane, on the condition that my mind does not start wandering around and stumble on some off-limits areas.
Finally tonight I managed to tell someone about the two sentences that had been running in my head for the past week. It starts with the old question from childhood about what I would like to be when I grow up. This question would appear in my head and immediately the answer "I want to die" will suddenly appear. Repeat this process twenty or more times and people will have a fair idea what has been going on in my head.
In some ways, I am glad I got this off my chest. Yet in some ways, I realised more about the people around me through this experience. In some ways, it has been an interesting experience trying to put up a front and show to people who probably have no idea what is going on that I am like... enjoying life to the fullest. I have come to the point where sharing with another person about my condition and situation may mean extra effort from me in trying to explain what depression and being suicidal means. So, one less person to share means one less person for me to explain.
Most of all, I have given up explaining what these really mean. Given the pathetic level of awareness people on this small island have with regards to the condition, trying to correct those wrong mindsets some people have is basically an exercise in frustration.
So, please... Don't criticise what you don't understand.
Posted by D W at March 27, 2005 01:51 AM