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March 23, 2005
The Price for "Peace"
An hour ago I popped the pill into my mouth which is a ritual I perform before I rest for the night. It is a blue-and-white capsule, filled with powder that helps me to control things better. It has worked for quite some time already, until recently. They told me that people given the prescription for this pill usually have to take it for about 1 1/2 to 2 years before their conditions are assessed.
About a year ago, I crossed the line and got myself an unwanted certification of sorts. From a normal clinic, I moved on to the place, just because I wanted to follow him, since he was nice. In the process, I experienced things I never really took notice of and suddenly, it dawned on me that I was just another one of them. My paradigm shifted then and it jolted my senses. Almost immediately, I was thinking about how this might cost me in future and thoughts of how some avenues in life had already been wrenched from my grasp by virtue of that almost innocent visit. In other words, I was weighing between benefits from the yet-to-be-fulfilled promise and the possible high cost I had to pay in the end.
That was in 2004 when I was experiencing the most horrible year of my life. Or so I thought.
Now, it is almost four months into the new year. I thought very little about the promptings, the words and the benefits that were told to me. Those were merely suggestions and at the end of it all, the choice was up to me. I took a brave step, crossed the line and the rest became history.
Tonight, I received grim news about her unsuccessful suicide attempt. It came on the day when suicidal thoughts swirled around in my head and when the word "die" kept flashing in my head all afternoon. I thought about the times when she related her experiences and her encouragements for me to try it.
Truth be told, the grim news made me feel as though I had been cheated. Make no mistake, I bear no grudge against her since I know fully that things can happen in a matter of years, months, days, hours, minutes or even seconds. Yet, if I had known how things would turn out for her in 2005 a year ago, I would have seriously given more thoughts to the issue of whether I should cross the line or not.
Now, when I think about my current situation, how possible doors of opportunities will remain shut forever for me, the change in my mental status from normal to something else, having to keep such an unwanted secret for the rest of my life, and the fact that these things are hanging around my neck like huge albatrosses, I believe something inside of me is telling me that I might have made the greatest mistake of my entire life.
And guess what, I am and will be paying for it for the rest of my life. All of it.
***
Update:
Just saw something that I do not think I should see at the moment. Now, my head is reminding me how my life is FUCKED, with a captial "F", please.
SOMEBODY upthere is making a fuck out of me. I feel, I should be and I am fucked.
Thank you.
Posted by D W at March 23, 2005 01:03 AM