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February 23, 2005

Defeated

Defeated Tonight is Chap Goh Meh and notably, it is the Chinese version of Valentine’s Day. Just because both of us were not around nine days ago to do anything on the Western version of the Valentine’s Day, I thought, during one of those times when I wished you were with me during my WA trip, celebrating love, our newly rekindled love, on the first 15th of the Lunar New Year would be more than a good substitute for the real thing, when florists jacked up prices for flowers and everyone else in business trying to cash in on the day.

Originally, I wanted to profess my love and desire for us to once again consider taking the very first step of holding hands tonight, when in centuries past, courting couples in ancient China would relish being able to spend the night with one another and indulging in the love for each other. I planned for a dinner and a bouquet of your favourite flowers to be sent, the way I did almost a few years back. I wanted you to feel special and loved. I wanted to tell you that this time, I am committed as much as you are committed, even if it is only for courtship. Even if things look rocky on both sides, I told myself that as long as both of us are in the same boat and are there for each other, we will endeavour to weather whatever storm life throws at us.

That was the ideal. My ideal, if circumstances and situations turned out right for the day.

However, there is always a “but” isn’t it?

It is not a sudden thing, but I have lost my appetite for food today. I only had a packet of milk and a hash brown from Macca’s this morning before I went for my job interview, which turned out fine though I did not pick up enough clues to make a guess of the chances of me being hired. For lunch, I had a bowl of noodles and a plate of raw fish (from the porridge stall). When I joined my colleagues for tea, I did not touch any of the Taohu Goreng or pineapple tarts (leftovers from CNY) they offered. Instead, I downed two packets of orange juice.

Right now, I feel no hunger pangs. The only thing I feel is the ever-so-depressing presence of anxiety and despair in my heart as I contemplate my imminent move to a hellhole of a workplace, against my wishes.

I am not trying to create an excuse for not doing what I planned for tonight, which was to make you feel special, to show you my commitment to our cause. I am not trying to explain my way through in trying to make you understand why I did not carry out my plan. If you consider me guilty for not being able to insulate my negative emotions, caused by the situation at work, away from my feelings for you, I will readily admit it. If there is a need for me to apologise, I will not hesitate one second to say “I am sorry” to you.

I want to tell you in person the three words that probably mean a lot to you tonight. Yet, I am so overwhelmed by the helplessness I feel in my heart that I have no other desire to do anything else.

E, I am sorry for not making this Chap Goh Meh more memorable and special for you than it rightly should be.

Please accept my apologies.

And though I am unable to tell these words to you in person tonight, I will do it here anyway. It is not romantic, without the flowers, without a nice dinner and without you in person in front of me, but I think I should still do it.

I love you.

Posted by D W at February 23, 2005 06:53 PM