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February 22, 2005
"But February made me shiver... bad news on the doorstep"
Can optimism be defined as the constant hope that a miracle will appear around the corner when you are down in the dumps?
***
My friend for the night is still Don McLean's 8-minute song. I have an interview (my first in almost five years) on tomorrow, while things at work remain the same, by and large, and this situation effectively eats into my sanity. Anxiety will not be enough to fully describe my emotional state.
This leads me to wonder if somewhere along the way, I made a fatal wrong turn in terms of making decisions and this is the result of my naivity or simply because I am not street-smart enough. These are times when I wish I have someone older, like an older brother or sister or some relative whom I know I can trust, to count on for advice. Now, I am depending on the advice of colleagues and a very small handful of friends, which may go either way.
And so here I find myself again. Having to face all the shit life (or indirectly, I) is throwing at me. And I have to blame myself again, for not being smart enough or less naive in believing that all is well in this world.
On a lighter note, I am glad that my favourite song at the moment is pretty long and this means that I need not reach for the mouse every now and then to get it repeated.
I no longer despise my life, and this is because I know that there is more to life than these worries (although they are slowly eating me up and testing my resolve). Yet, at the same time, I cannot help but wonder what it is that I have done wrong or how much I do need to be smarter. In fact, I have never been more unsure of my abilities or talents. After all, having a jobscope of simply writing minutes or sprucing up someone else's powerpoint slides are not what people would consider as career achievements. How will these look in my resume?
I do not know who I am anymore and what I can do. In fact, my current msn nick is simply read as "the boy who knows not who he is".
And so, I can only bank on the thought that somehow a miracle is just round that corner. After all, grasping at probably imaginary last straws is still better than waiting for the shit to blow towards my direction at full speed.
***
"The day the music died..."
Posted by D W at February 22, 2005 11:20 PM