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January 24, 2005
Who, Where and Why?
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He knows not what his heart is made of. He knows not what his heart is pining for at the moment. All he knows is how he feels extremely numb at the moment.
For the umpteenth time, he had Silje Nergaard’s “So Sorry For Your Love” on repeat mode. He had no idea with whose love he was feeling sorry for, but somehow the song and the lyrics related to him. He would love to just sit in a dark room right now, with a glass of wine in his hand (though he does not drink) and listen to a “live” rendition of the song.
That is even if he was the only one in the room.
No words could adequately describe the despair in his heart at the moment. Or how lost and forgotten he felt at the moment. It was not the world-against-him feeling yet, but chances were, he was close to being there. In fact, he knew not what his identity was at that moment.
At the turn of the year, he could still twiddle his thumbs when it came to thinking about his future. However, developments had so overtaken him that he felt completely overwhelmed. Suddenly it seemed as though the new year brought along with it, a hostile environment where it would mean that the future, his future, would now hang in the balance.
Was there even time to think about love? Was there time to summon more than he could manage to reciprocate or to just keep things in perspective by dealing with the storms of his life one at a time?
Suddenly, it felt so stupid to have made that decision. Now, he had to struggle between survival and being honest. It might never happen, of course. Yet if it did, he would forever be hiding in the shadows about his past. In such a place where not many would take too kindly to how different one could be, it meant that he could no longer be open about many things.
***
Who am I?
Am I simply just the average bloke trying to find out what he should do for a living for the rest of his life?
Am I someone who badly needed to do a reality check?
Am I someone who should be at the foot and ascending towards the pinnacle of his career by now?
Or am I someone who just simply never got to where he think he should be because … just because there are things in his life that he never got round to admit to himself?
Or am I someone who is of no complete use to the world or his family or his friend, or the person who loves him?
Who really am I? Who and what defines me?
***
I learnt two important things about life during the weekend and they were words spoken by two different ladies at a meeting I attended.
The first lady could have been in the workforce for far longer than I have and her being employed in the private sector would mean that she would have gone through the harder knocks in the corporate world than shallow old me. Since she was chairing the meeting (of sorts), she was talking about how the group would be moving in the new year.
“We should think about plans for the year for our group. As we know, if you do not set up plans for the year, at the end of it, you will never get to achieve anything.”
The haunting feeling amplified in my heart when I realized that I had no plans. Nor have I ever thought of really giving some serious consideration as to what I plan to achieve for the year ahead.
A few moments later, someone in the meeting shyly stated that she had no formal training for something our group would be heavily involved in. Then, another lady, one who was much older than any of us and evidently more matured, interrupted the former and clarified.
“I think this is a problem here. Remember, you do not need to have a certificate or a piece of paper to tell you that you can do something which you want to do. Take Mr. S for example. He had been in this industry for so long and he managed to carve a niche out for himself. Although he is known to be a renowned expert in this area, not many here actually know that he had never acquired a certification.”
It was there and then that I realized how closed-up my mind was and how it had been conditioned to think along the lines of the norms that were set in our society. Is there really a need for a certificate or a piece of paper as a guarantee that someone is competent enough to complete a certain (or some) jobs? Or have we all placed too much value on a piece of paper which simply aimed to judge a person’s ability at only a certain point of his or her life?
***
“… and we wish to thank Mr. S Y who had been living for a while in the south coast of Spain…”
As he got up onto the stage, he shone far brighter than any of those who were standing beside him. My heart swelled at the sight of the man, dressed in a traditional Chinese shirt, who could well have been brave enough to pursue his dreams and desires of his life out of this country.
His smile told me that he was a man well-pleased with his life and that he had done whatever he could to achieve what he set out to do.
He was my idol for the moment, though the spotlight had long moved on to someone else on stage.
Posted by D W at January 24, 2005 04:48 PM
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